they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
