Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
