I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
