I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
