So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
