i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
