I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
