i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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