you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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