i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
