i just google imaged poop.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
