i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
