Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
