I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
