well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
