I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
