my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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