Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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