I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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