Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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