Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
