I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
