plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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