it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
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