guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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