I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
