The best revenge is premature balding
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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