The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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