omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
