you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
