i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
My dad just said "fuck circus"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize