I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
