I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
