here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
