Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
