My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
