She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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