i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
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