I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
