dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
