I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
