yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
