when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
