can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
