Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
