His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
We don't watch enough power rangers
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
