so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
