Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
