i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
So apparently I’m into choking now
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