I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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