when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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