Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
