I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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