Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
i need some magic done to my vagina
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