Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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