he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just high enough for therapy.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
tell me about the eggs
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
