I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
