In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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