fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Are we in a gay sports bar?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize