4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
