I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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