All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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