you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize