He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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