Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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