Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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